What's Wrong With Me?

Since I've started this new medicine, Viibryd, I've had some up days and I've had some down days.

Whenever I've had up days, they've been very good.

Whenever I've had down days, they've been VERY bad.

Like on Sunday, I was having a down day.  Something upset me the previous week, and I realized that things were not right.

I've recently said some things that I shouldn't have.  I've been pushing people out of my life.  I ruined another friendship.  Possibly three friendships.

_________

Yesterday I asked my mother to come up to Capital.  We went to get pizza and talk.  I then skipped three classes (two yesterday and one today), and came home to relax.  I was experiencing some chest pains because of anxiety.  I slept about 14 hours.  I went to bed around eight o'clock last night and woke up around 10 o'clock this morning.

I've calmed down today and I'm ashamed about what I did.  I asked God to forgive me, but I'm still ashamed and hurt about what I did.  I'm scared......


Does God hate me?  Why do I have to suffer?

Psalm 42:9-11

 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me?  Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?  My bones suffer mortal avony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

What's Been Troubling Me

As many of you know, if you read my previous blog called "Doubt," you know that I suffer from clinical depression.  In September of 2007, I attempted suicide after a fight with my father.  I got treatment and new medicine.

Lately, I've been feeling down again.  I don't know why.  Could it be the stress of strenuous college courses?  Could it be the stress of knowing that I'm going to somehow pay off $100,000 debt in the future?  The stress of knowing that I need a new car by the end of the year for my professional internship, (I don't trust my current 1998 Chevy Monte Carlo. I just turned over 190,000 miles this past week).  Where will I live during the internship?  Will I be able to afford to eat healthy?  Will I get enough sleep?

My best friend and I aren't talking right now.  Two weeks or so ago, I posted a funny picture on his Facebook page.  He didn't get a chance to see it until later that night.  When he did, he was furious.  This person, with over 1000 friends on Facebook, unfriended me.  I was heartbroken.  We usually laugh at this kind of thing, but for some reason, he has this idea that he should be seen as perfect in everyone else's eyes.  That's what I don't understand.  Humans aren't perfect.  Am I over reacting by not talking to him?  Was it my fault?  What did I do wrong?  The picture was not offensive at all.  It was one of those pictures you would see on People Of Walmart.

My friend and I still haven't reconciled.  I don't know if I can.  I miss him so much.  He's my best friend.  He was there for me in September of 2007, and he was there for me during the whole liver transplant ordeal with my father.  He's been very supportive of me over the years.



There is still one friend that I know will always love me, no matter what happens.

I have to go to sleep.  I need to get up at six to go work out a little.