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Showing posts with label Viibryd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Viibryd. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

What's Wrong With Me?

Since I've started this new medicine, Viibryd, I've had some up days and I've had some down days.

Whenever I've had up days, they've been very good.

Whenever I've had down days, they've been VERY bad.

Like on Sunday, I was having a down day.  Something upset me the previous week, and I realized that things were not right.

I've recently said some things that I shouldn't have.  I've been pushing people out of my life.  I ruined another friendship.  Possibly three friendships.

_________

Yesterday I asked my mother to come up to Capital.  We went to get pizza and talk.  I then skipped three classes (two yesterday and one today), and came home to relax.  I was experiencing some chest pains because of anxiety.  I slept about 14 hours.  I went to bed around eight o'clock last night and woke up around 10 o'clock this morning.

I've calmed down today and I'm ashamed about what I did.  I asked God to forgive me, but I'm still ashamed and hurt about what I did.  I'm scared......


Does God hate me?  Why do I have to suffer?




Psalm 42:9-11
 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me?  Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?  My bones suffer mortal avony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”  Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

This New Medicine, Viibryd

You probably know that I'm on a new medication for my depression called Viibryd.  After switching to 40 mg, I've been having some very livid, lucid, (and quite frankly), strange dreams.
(I've always had strange dreams.  I even wrote a story based on one while I was in high school.  I'll see if I can find it when I go home this weekend.)  They're not scary, but just like a "what the hell was that?" kind of thing.

Like last night I had a strange one.  Maybe two because I remember two different scenes.




Mom, dad, my sister, and I were all at a drive-in movie theater in the woods.  We were in an old station wagon from like 1975 or so, and it was a convertible with theater-style seats.  I guess there were two levels of cars.  The first level may have been for people who paid more, while the second level may have been people who paid less.  We were on the second level.

We were watching a movie on the bed sheet that was spread across the trees.  There was a contraption that had white swinging doors on frames in front of the people and periodically they would close during the movie.  What I didn't understand why they would close, blocking the view from the people in the front row, since the image would be projecting on the white doors.

I remember I went up to get some food, which was like a little shack just to the right of us.  I went up, and they were offering hotdogs, mashed potatoes, and corn.  I ordered all three, and for some reason, I asked they be put in this order from bottom to top.

Corn
Mashed Potatoes
Hotdogs

I guess the hotdogs were the foundation to the potatoes, which held the corn on top.

The guy serving just could not understand what I was saying.  I kept saying I wanted the potatoes on top of the hot dogs.  So I eventually gave up, threw a little fit (like I do in WalMart whenever service is shitty), and went back to the car.

I then remember a second scene.  We were back in the station wagon car, and I found myself outside searching for something around the edge of field.  We were only allowed to be in the mowed lawn area, and search the outer edges of the field.

I remember looking at a lot of old game consoles like Play Station 2 consoles and Nintendo 64 consoles, just sitting outside and getting weathered.  I guess they have been outside for a while.  I remember searching specific cubby-holes, looking through things (I can't remember what those things are now, so I guess they aren't important.)

____________________________

I just woke up from a nap about a half hour ago wondering what the hell I just went through.

I was searching for a new dorm building at Capital.

I guess Capital had built its very own Meijer store (don't ask me why.)  This new Meijer building could serve the community, but it was intended for the students to use.

This new Meijer store had some suites in it (I guess you could call them.  They were more like condos).

Me and several other people had teamed up to get one of these.  First, all the beds were in the same 'living' room space, with all of our televisions on a single wall.

I was looking around and noticed there were several little "theme" areas around that could be used for our "rooms."  I went back up to the people and said, "Do we own the building from here to that edge wall?"  They said yes.  So I said, "why don't we take all of our stuff into these theme areas and pick one for each of us.  There looks like there are enough."

(I paraphrased that last part.)

So we did just that.  We all chose and debated who would get the art-deco style area, who would get the log-cabin area, and so on.

I then remember being in a new library type space at Capital, and walking out.  I remember filling out a form saying that both my parents should win some Jazz music award, and giving it to one of my current college professors here at Capital.  This doesn't make ANY sense because both my parents don't play music or sing.

I was walking out of the building holding something like a piece of hardware for a computer (I can't remember what, but I know I was holding something).  My college professor was discussing who should accept this Jazz award on a park picnic table.  I was walking back to the Meijer complex.

I then remember moved out of the Meijer complex, and somewhere else (I can't remember so it's probably not important.)  I was searching around for my car, and mom said it was still at Meijer, probably impounded for being there for so long.  I was furious and ran back to the service desk of the Meijer store demanding where my car was.  The lady gave me a printed ticket with a number on it explaining what lot and what number my car was parked at.  It was impounded, it was just moved.

Here's the really weird part.

I could either walk up a long flight of stairs, or I could ride the escalator without steps, kind of like a conveyer belt.  I opted for the stairs.  Then I was convinced to take the conveyer belt, which seemed odd to me because it was a fairly steep grade and would be impossible to stay on for long.

I then found a luxury car, like a Lincoln Town Car, in front of me, and several people holding on to it.  Someone said, "if you hold on to the car, you will stick to it and it will carry you up to the top."

I did just that, and lo and behold, it took me right to the top.  We went through a tunnel or two, and, maybe five minutes later, was at the top.

I remember trying to get my hand free from the car, and unable to.  I yanked and I yanked, but what I had managed to do was to get the car spinning in circles very fast.  I had eventually got myself free, but I almost landed on the conveyor belt, and I thought I was going to fall all the way back  down to the ground floor.

I found my car later.

Then I woke up.

_____________
I don't know what has gotten in to me, but it's quite funny.  I think I might keep posting my dreams for you to read.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Psalms 40-49

I learned in Foundations of Religion class last semester that Psalm 40 is a psalm of praise or a hymn.  Of course, all psalms were meant to be sung.

Psalm 40:11-13Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me.  For troubles without number surround me, my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.  They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.  Be pleased, O Lord, to save me; O lord, come quickly to help me.


Whenever I'm having a down day, I pray that God will help me get through it.  Because I'm on this new medicine called Viibryd, I've been feeling a little better.  I still pray that God will get me through each day without any troubles.

Psalm 40:15-17May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.  But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those w ho love your salvation always say, "The Lord be exalted!"  Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.  You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.